


No Stranger to Sorrow

by wholesqmfairytqles



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: The Witcher Lore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:40:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28701579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholesqmfairytqles/pseuds/wholesqmfairytqles
Summary: This a wlw fanfic about Tissaia De Vries from the Witcher. It doesn't exactly follow the Witcher storyline and the timelines are going to be a little different to fit the story. This is the love story of Tissaia and Gwendolyn. This fanfic is basically just me writing out what I want Tissaia's past to be and I refuse for her not to be a hot lesbian goddess.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have not proofread this, so i apologize for any grammatical errors

"I need your help," Tissaia looks at me, pleading. A young woman, who I assume to be a mage she's taught is unconscious and burned, badly wounded. "I've tried everything and nothing works. I know that you don't owe me any favors, but I beg you. Please."

I sigh. This girl cannot die because of how I feel about Tissaia. "Bring her in," I turn to go inside. I could lead the way, but I know that she knows the way. We get the girl on the bed and I start getting things ready to heal her.

"Who is she?"

"Yennefer of Vengerberg," she speaks softly.

"How did this happen?"

"We were in battle. She sent out a burst of flames and hurt herself in the process." I nod my head and look at the damage done. I can heal her, she just needs time. I do a series of spells and slip some potions in her body.

"It'll take time for her to heal. She should wake up within a day. You'll have to stay here for a week or so. Externally she'll be healed, but internally, the damage is much worse."

"Thank you," she speaks softly.

"Let her rest. I trust you'll find something to occupy your time." I start to leave the room, but she speaks my name.

"Gwendolyn." I stop, but don't turn to look at her. "Thank you," she sighs. I give her a swift nod and leave the room to my study. I'm still angry and hurt. I'm still broken and she's done nothing to try and fix me. Not that it's her job, it's not her job to fix me, not anymore anyways.

...

Two days pass. Two days of me working and Tissaia tiptoeing around me. She knows her place. She knows she's not welcome here. She knows she's not wanted and she's being careful. Annoying, but careful.

Yennefer woke up last night. The two of us are in my study and Tissaia is in the library. I told Yennefer I wanted her with me all day just in case something happens. From what I can tell, Tissaia and Yennefer love each other in a dysfunctional mother daughter way.

They remind me of the way Tissaia and Lilith were. Lilith taught me, Tissaia, and eight other girls magic. This was back when the Chapter of the Gift and Art and the Brotherhood were just beginning. Lilith taught us in the manor I live in now.

She didn't like the ways of the Chapter, neither do I. Most of us didn't, but Tissaia and Francesca did. Anyways, Tissaia was mouthy growing up and argued all the time, but Lilith loved her just like she loved the rest of us. 

"So what did Tissaia do to you?" Yennefer asks me. I look up at her not expecting the questioning. "I mean I've never seen her act like she does around you. Timid and scared and careful and unsure of herself. I've never seen her so unsure of herself, so I'm assuming that means she did something to you."

"It really doesn't matter what she did or didn't do to me." Yennefer thinks highly of Tissaia even though I know she would never admit it. From my side, Tissaia is not the hero, not that Yennefer sees her that way, but I don't want to take any image she has of Tissaia away from her.

"It obviously matters to Tissaia," she huffs. If she's going to hear the story, she's not going to hear it from me.

"Then take it up with her." I continue going through my paper work and Yennefer walks around playing with my things. I know that Yennefer isn't Tissaia's daughter, but she might as well be. They're practically the same. Yennefer has picked up Tissaia's god awful pacing and asking too many questions.

...

Two more days pass. Two days of Yennefer trying to pry me open and when she gives up, moves on to trying to open up Tissaia. Tissaia hasn't told her anything about us either. It doesn't surprise me. She's a private person even with those she's closest to. I would know.

I wish I could send Yennefer and Tissaia on their way now. I won't because Yennefer has to be watched closely. Honestly, it's not even that I wish they weren't here, I just wish this day wasn't here. Most days, I'm okay with the loss. It's been so many years that I've gotten well at coping with it, but today is always hard.

She was born a little after the First Landing, so I know she lived a good and long life, but I wish she were still here giving me advice and guiding through every mistake I make. Lilith died in the Second Human-Elven War. I shudder at the memory. Well, more than one memory. That phase of my life is not one I like to revisit.

I look at the gravestone in the back of my gardens. I place the bouquet of flowers down and sit on the bench. I take in a deep breath. I hear a twig snap and turn to see Tissaia walking towards me. She sits down on the bench beside mine, keeping her distance.

"Why are you here?" I speak swiftly.

"She was my teacher too, just wanted to pay my respects." I don't have the energy to fight her today so I let her stay. Lilith was a wonderful teacher. She was disciplined and strict, but she was also loving and understanding. There were times I was terrified of her, but I knew I could go to her with anything. And I did, I went to her with everything.

I don't know how she did it. There were ten of us and she managed to teach every single one us and make every single one of us loved. I was the only one that stayed with her, but I had to with the visions and all. They started six years before the war. Terrible visions, ones that sent me into panic attacks when I awoke. Once the war ended, they stopped and haven't returned since then. 

"It's not my place to ask and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but how are you? I mean with today and everything." I can't take this. I can't have this conversation with her. I can barely look at her on a good day, let alone let her in. So, I do what I always do, avoid my problems.

I kiss my hand and press it to Lilith's grave. "Love you," I whisper before leaving, ignoring Tissaia in the process. I don't want her here, so I may as well act as though she isn't.


	2. Chapter 2

Lilith was the teacher, she was the one others looked up to. She was the one with the reputation and today, that is me. Today, I'm the teacher this young girl is going to look up to. I'm the teacher because of my reputation. It feels weird to be the teacher. Most days, I still feel like the student. 

Geralt sent me a letter three days ago, the day after Lilith's anniversary, asking me if I would train his daughter magic so she can learn to protect herself. Geralt doesn't like mages, so I'm surprised he's asked me to train her. He said that he didn't know how long they would stay here, but he would stay as long as possible. 

It'll be nice to have someone other than Tissaia and Yennefer around. Tissaia and I haven't spoken since I left her in the graveyard. In fact, I haven't seen her at all. I haven't seen much of Yennefer either. I head down to the dining area where they're drinking some concoction which I assume to be tea. It's too early in the morning for anything stronger, even for Tissaia and Yennefer. 

I walk up to them, more so Yennefer than Tissaia. "We'll be having Geralt of Rivia and Princess Cirilla of Cintra joining us." I see Yennefer slightly wince at the mention of Geralt's name. I wonder if there's a story there. 

"I ask that you do not tell anyone you saw either of them here. It's vital that they're stay here is kept secret." Tissaia and Yennefer don't question, just nod their heads. They know that for a Witcher, Geralt of all witchers, to be here with a princess at that means that this meeting is important. 

Not much time passes before Geralt arrives on Roach with Princess Cirilla at his side. "Geralt," I greet him as he walks up. They're both dirty and look like they've been through hell. 

"Gwen," he greets me with a smile. "Thank you for agreeing to this." 

"Of course," I return the smile. "Princess Cirilla," I greet the young girl. 

"Call me Ciri, please." 

"Alright, Ciri, Geralt, welcome to Elverston Manor. Before we enter, you should know that there are two other guests here. They'll stay out of the way and despite my lack of love for them, I do trust that your presence here will not be spoken of." 

"Who are these guests?" 

'Tissaia de Vries," I makes sure to keep calm as I speak her name. "And Yennefer of Vengerberg." He slightly winces at the mention of her name. Yes, there is certainly a story there, but it's none of my business. "Now, lets get the two of you washed up. Geralt, I trust you remember where the stables are. And Ciri, as soon as your washed, we'll begin with our lessons." 

She slightly nods her head. I can't tell if she's terrified or just scarred. Most likely both. I just hope she trusts me enough to train her. I lead Ciri to her room. She's quiet along the way. I want to speak to her, but I'm not sure what to say. Lilith would know what to say. 

"There's fresh clothes in the wardrobe and will you remember your way back to the main living area?" 

"I think so," she speaks softly. 

I nod my head. "If you're not down there in an hour, I'll come and fetch you." I leave the room and make my way to the main living area, but I see Geralt standing in front a set of ten portraits. Each for one of us. Lilith wanted them, so when we were seventeen, we all posed for what seemed like hours so she could have her portraits. 

"You look to be about Ciri's age here," he speaks. 

"A little older, but yes." 

"Is this Tissaia?" 

"You know her?" 

"She was outside, spoke to me first. Her reputation proceeds her." 

"What reputation is that." 

"Just of her beauty. Not my type, but she is beautiful." As much as I want to argue with him, I cannot. Tissaia is beautiful. 

"Well, yes, that is her." 

"So you two grew up together?" 

"Geralt, you smell awful, go wash off," I change the subject not wanting to talk about her. He smiles, but backs away to his room. I met Geralt when he was very new to being a Witcher. He's improved much since then, especially mentally. I turn to continue my way, but not before gazing over the portraits. We were all so young. Now, half of us dead, others continuing paths I don't agree with. All of us having lost connection with each other. 

It's odd to think that. We were all so close. I remember happy memories and too much giggling with them over childish things. I look at Tissaia's portrait. We were so close. At least, for our separation, I can tell you why. Sometimes, I wish I would let myself forget, but I can't. It hurts too much. 

I brush off the topic and make my way to the main living area. It doesn't take long for Ciri to come down. The clothes I gave her seem to fit well and I'm glad they do. 

Ciri and I spend the day training. She understands the concepts of magic well. She harnesses it easily and it scares me. It scares me because I know that she's got a long road ahead of her. It makes sense that she's powerful though because Lilith is her aunt. Well, like a sixth great aunt. Lilith was powerful and it makes sense that she is too. 

I'm the only one Lilith told of her lineage, so I find it ironic Ciri found her way to her. What's left of her anyways. "You did good today, Ciri. You have a lot of potential." 

"Thank you," she beams at my comment. She seems a little more comfortable around me and I'm glad for it. "Gwen?" 

"Yes?" 

"Geralt says you're a powerful mage, the most powerful actually." She looks at me questioning if this is true. 

I give her a small smile. "Yes, I'd say I'm pretty powerful." 

"Can you stop my nightmares?" I take in a deep breath. Surely she hasn't been experiencing what I have. No, that's worse case scenario and I've never met anyone else that's had visions and dreams like I do. 

"We can try a couple of things tonight before you go to bed." 

"So, they'll go away?" 

"I can't promise anything that they'll go away, but I can promise that I'll try everything I can." She smiles in thanks. I study her closely as she fiddles with a leaf. She's so young, and yet the world is at war over her. She doesn't deserve this. 

"When was the last time you slept?" 

She looks up at me, not expecting the question. "I tried for a couple of months, but I hated the nightmares. They were awful, so I stopped sleeping. I figured being tired is better than fearing what will haunt me in the night." 

"But how long has it been since you've slept?" 

"I don't know. Three, four months." She looks scared of what my reaction will be. She knows that's not good for her. She knows she needs sleep. There's no point in lecturing her, I would have done the same thing. I did the same thing. I still do the same thing. Although, I hope she doesn't have visions like I do. 

Mine started back up one night about three months ago. I used to be able to get through them back when I had them because I had Lilith and I had others too. Now, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm alone. That's been one good thing from Yennefer and Tissaia's visit. It's been nice having others in the manor. 

"Gwendolyn!" I hear my name screamed and footsteps getting louder to reveal a worried Tissaia. I rush up to my feet knowing there's only one thing that she would come screaming my name about. "Gwendolyn," she finally reaches me. "It's Yennefer, she's collapsed and won't wake."


	3. Chapter 3

"She'll be alright. Should wake up sometime tomorrow. I was going to let the two of you leave tomorrow, but I think it's best you stay for a little while longer."

"Thank you." 

"What was she doing when this happened?"

"She was with me." Geralt walks in. "We were talking and then she just fell." I nod my head. She was most likely overstimulated by the conversation. Geralt certainly seems to ignite something inside of her.

"Well, she needs her rest, so just carry on with your day." We all leave the room and Ciri is waiting in the hallway.

"Is she going to be alright?"

"Just a little rest and she should be fine thanks to Gwen's healing," Geralt answers her.

Normally, I eat dinner in my study, away from Tissaia, but I quite enjoy the company of Geralt and in just a day, Ciri is someone I've grown very fond of. 

What bothers me is that Tissaia and Geralt seem to be getting on nicely. And I don't know what for, but a small flake of jealousy hits my stomach. I push it away and continue with my meal.

I find myself watching Ciri. She's a happy girl, but mature as well. She's innocent, but she's not naïve either. She understands how the world works. Geralt pulls out some marbles to play a game. "Gwen, won't you play?" Ciri asks me. 

"No. I'll just watch."

Tissaia looks at me. "I can leave," she says quietly enough so that the other two can't here. And as much I want to send her away, I won't. 

I shake my head no softly. "Won't you please, Gwen?" I look at Ciri and I feel guilty. She shouldn't be shot down because of my anger towards Tissaia.

"One game."

Ciri's face beams. This was a game I played as child and was quite skilled at, but not so much anymore. Ciri wins the game and I feel my stubbornness kicking in. "One more time," I tell them. One more time turns into three more times which turns into about fifty more times. Once I finally got good at it again, I was unstoppable at which point Geralt accused me of cheating. 

"Alright, Ciri." She yawns and gets into her bed. I hand her a cup with a drink that should help put her to sleep. From there, I can only hope that she doesn't have a nightmare. I'm hoping that it's a mental game with her rather than something uncontrollable. 

She drinks it and looks content, almost excited to sleep. I know that feeling, the feeling of knowing that you can rest and escape for even just a little bit. It's a relieving feeling. "Now, if for whatever reason you wake and have a nightmare, don't hesitate to come fetch me. You know where my bedroom is." She nods her head and quickly falls to sleep.

"I didn't even know she had nightmares," Geralt is at the doorway. I blow her candles out and close the door. "Are they more than just nightmares?" Geralt is smart, very smart and he knows that Ciri is no ordinary child.

"I'm hoping not."

"So you think it's a possibility?"

"The woman who raised me, Lilith. She and Ciri are kin." His eyes raise in surprise, but then it makes sense. They look similar and the powerful magic makes sense. "Lilith had them when she was young. And I'm aware of the war now and I know that it's only going to escalate, so yes. I do think it's a possibility. I think there's a high possibility, but I hope that it's not."

"The poor girl is going through too much."

"I'm aware." I stop when we make our way back to the portraits from earlier today. I quickly glance at Tissaia's portrait, but move on just as quickly as I stopped. I need this woman out of my home. "It is possible that it's just nightmares, it could just be trauma,"

"Trauma."

"Trauma is better than what she'll experience if these nightmares are more than just that."

"Right."

...

Yennefer woke up this morning and I've let her stay with Tissaia. I don't like her, but she'll take care of Yennefer and I have work that needs to be done. I spend a couple of hours sorting through all that needs to be done and I finish early as expected.

I'll have to fetch Ciri, so we can continue our training. I look out of the window and into the gardens. The sight is calming, always has been. My eye makes it's way to Ciri sitting on one of the stone benches with a flower in her hand.

A dead flower actually. I watch her concentrating on it and nothing happens to it. What on earth is she trying to do? Magic, I presume, but what kind? I make my way down to her and sit on the bench, not speaking. She doesn't either.

She eventually sighs and looks at me. "It's not working."

"What's not working?"

"Anytime I do magic, it's destroyed something. All I do is destroy and I wanted to heal, like you."

"Ciri,"

"No," she stops me. "You heal people and grow things. I've heard about you before from my grandmother. About how you go around the world creating peace and healing, that the Continent is better for having you in it and I- I destroy things."

I take in a deep sigh. "I have caused more destruction than healing." She looks up at me. "I am far from the healer your grandmother or anyone else describes me. I have a reputation that is greater than who I am. I have killed armies of people and it doesn't matter if they were evil or not, I still killed them. I've destroyed kingdoms. And I've failed more times than I've succeeded." 

"Ciri, you are greater than the reputation you've given yourself. And magic that heals is much more difficult than magic that destroys. So, we master what you can do and then we learn the hard stuff, the healing."

"So, I'm not terrible, I can't even bring this flower back to life."

"Ciri, far from. I don't know if you've figured this out, but I don't really like people. Geralt is the only person I would consider a friend and even then we hardly speak. But Ciri, I like you. You're good and kind and honestly someone I've needed in my life for a long time."

Ciri smiles at my words. "Now, why don't we go and master those skills alright?" She stands and we make our way to my courtyard where we continue her training. I see Yennefer and Tissaia walk by and they stop to watch. I can't blame them. They're mages and to see Ciri's talent certainly is a gift. 

A couple hours pass and I make my way back to my study. I don't eat with them tonight and I continue of research. I've been trying to find anything that will stop my visions. What I gave Ciri last night seemed to work for her and I hope that a restful sleep is something she gets to keep.

I hear a scream and rush out of my study. It's late and everyone should be asleep, especially Ciri which is why I know I have to get to her room as soon as possible. "Ciri, breathe with me." I hear Tissaia as I enter the room. She's sitting on the bed and holding Ciri's hand. Tissaia counts the breaths out with her and calms her down and it reminds me of something so long ago.

/flashback/  
I was in the corner of my room. Lilith was gone on her travels and I knew she couldn't help me like she always does. I felt my breaths getting shorter and knowing that just made me hyperventilate more. My tears pouring harder and I could barely make a sound. 

"Gwen, I'm here to return-" She stopped speaking when she saw me. Only Lilith knew of my visions and the panic attacks they sent me. "Gwen," She rushed in front of me, but did not touch me. I was glad she didn't. I didn't like to be touched when I was like this.

"Gwen, breathe with me okay. Can you breathe with me?" I nodded my head and she counted the breathes out until I was calm. "Can I touch you?" I nodded my head and she pulled me into a warm embrace.

She held me for a long time until my tears stopped. "Tissaia," I looked at her. "Thank you, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come."

"I'm here always, Gwen. I'm always going to be here."   
/end of flashback/

I snap back into reality. And walk to the other side of the bed to sit in front of Ciri and unfortunately beside Tissaia. Ciri lent forward to hug me and I held her. Her breathing is even, but I can still feel her crying.

"It wasn't a vision," Tissaia tells me. "She woke too soon for it to be a vision. It was just a dream." I nod my head in thanks. I trust that Tissaia knows. She always knew how to handle this type of situation.

"Vision?" she asks quietly, still holding onto me.

"Well, some powerful mages get visions that are awful and terrifying, but you didn't have one. You just had a dream, a nightmare. And you can trust Tissaia, she knows about this kind of thing. It was just a dream."

"Just a dream." She pulls away now and looks at me. "Is there anything else you can do to make them go away?"

"I can try. Now, lay down and I just want you to relax." She nods her head and closes her eyes. I use a spell to deepen her sleep and take nightmares away. I was hoping the potion would have worked because although this spell is simple, it can be draining. 

She looks calm. I feel silly saying it, but I miss sleep. I'm tired, I'm really tired and my magic is going to worsen if I don't get some anytime soon, but it's like Ciri said. Being tired is better than tortured.

I realize that both Tissaia and I have been carefully watching Ciri for sometime now. "Thank you," I break the silence.

"You're welcome," she speaks quietly. I sigh and get up, Tissaia follows. As soon as we're out of the room, I look at her. Why can't I get her out my head. I hate her. She broke me. She broke me and it doesn't even matter.

"Do you still get them?" she asks.

"A little bold are we?" I snap trying to keep myself from falling back into her grasp. I can't.

She doesn't react having heard my snappy comments too many times when she speaks to me. "Not that it's any of your business, but no, they haven't." I lie to her. I can't have her feeling pity towards me.

I walk off and I hear her sigh as I do. I make my way down the hallway and then everything goes black, then red with flames and destruction and dead bodies. War. It's war.


	4. Chapter 4

A pot is broken on the floor. I see Yennefer and Geralt out of their rooms, running toward me. My vision is blurry and then the panic sets in. I don't cry, but I can't breathe. "Geralt, Yennefer, go back to your rooms." They don't want to leave, but they do.

Tissaia comes to sit in front of me. My breathing getting worse. "I," I try to say, but I can't get it out.

"Don't say anything," she tells me. "Breathe with me okay. Breathe with me like Ciri did, okay." She counts the breathes out like she's done a million times before. In this instance, I'm grateful she's here.

I look at her when my breathe evens. "I'm here, okay. I'm still here if you need me."

"You're not," I say sharply.

"Gwen, I am here. Don't tell me that I'm not because I am. I'm here for you if you need it."

"No you're not," I scream. Having her in my home has brought back too many emotions and I can't keep them anymore. "Don't pretend like you're here for me because you're not. If you were here for me, you never would have left me."

I can feel familiar tears sting my eyes and I storm off back to my room before she can see them. I can't let her see that I still care. I don't. I don't care. Why would I. I've moved on. Really, I have. I don't care anymore.

Except, I do. I still care and I can't stop caring. I hear a knock on my door after a few minutes of me wallowing in self pity. And Tissaia walks in. "I know you don't want me here," she starts and I look up at her wondering what on earth she's got to say.

"But I know that you won't sleep unless someone is in the room with you and even then you might sleep. I know that you don't want me here, but I refuse for you to be alone. I'll be quiet, I'll sleep on the floor, but I'm not leaving you alone."

I don't argue with her. I know when she's serious and I won't win this fight, so I let her stay. "At least sleep on the couch," I groan. She does and she was right. She went to sleep or at least closed her eyes. She was quiet and I didn't sleep.

I sat there with my mind stuck on war. War is coming and I don't know how to handle it, not with these visions anyway. And my mind wanders towards the topic of Tissaia and I. And if my mind is going to keep me up over that, Tissaia might as well be up to, so I wake her.

"Gwendolyn?" She was asleep. Not that I'm surprised, it's got to be way too late in the night.

"Come and sit." I tell her and she moves to sit in front of me on the bed. I look at her knowing what I want to ask, what I've always wanted to ask, but have been too afraid of the answer to ask it. She knows she's in no position to speak so she waits calmly.

After a long pause of silence, I take a deep breathe and ask her, "Why wasn't I enough?"

I can see tears prick her eyes. I know that in her heart she never meant to hurt me and I know that she's guilty that she did. "It's not that you weren't enough," she speaks trying to keep calm, but failing miserably. "It's that I wasn't enough for you. I left. I left you for something I thought was greater. You did nothing wrong."

Hearing her say that last part. I know I did nothing wrong, but to hear it from her brings me a little piece. "You left. And I broke. I was better with you. You were enough for me."

She looks down at her hands. "There's no reason for what I did other than I chose power over love. I chose power because I loved power. I have nothing I can say to you that will fix you or make you feel better."

In a weird way her answer satisfices me. If I'm being truthful, I've missed her. I miss her all the time, more than I should. And I find myself being more honest and open with her than I would like. A lot kinder to her than I have been in a long time.

"I've missed you," I tell her and immediately regret it.

She stops fidgeting with her hands and looks into my eyes. "I don't deserve to hear that from you."

"Perhaps not, but. Well, it's true despite the bitchy front I've put on all these years."

"I'm tired of fighting with you." I nod my head in agreement. It's exhausting being mad.

"You can sleep on the bed," I tell her. "Just don't try anything." She cracks a smile and I do too. She moves to sit beside me and I start to fidget with the blanket. I never thought we would end up in the same bed again.

We sit in silence for a while, but for the first time in a long time, it's a comfortable silence. "You're like her."

"Who?" I question.

"Lilith. You act like her when you're with Ciri."

"It feels odd to be the teacher."

"I know." I remember now that she herself teaches young girls. "I use her lesson with the flower and the rock as my first one."

"I did the same with Ciri."

She looks at me and halfway smiles. "I miss being the student. It was much easier."

"It was."

"How long ago did the visions start back up again?"

"About three months."

"Which means you haven't slept in about two." I nod my head. Talking with her is nice. No one knows me better than her.

"And the war?"

"Sends the continent in flames. Before, I saw bloodshed and horrors indescribable, but never flames. Never this much destruction." I shudder at the memory of the vision.

"You need to sleep. You're magic is going to worsen if you don't."

"But you know I won't sleep. I can't."

"I know." She looks like she's contemplating saying something else. "Will you please try to sleep?" she finally asks me.

I don't want to. I'm scared to. "I won't leave the room. I'll be here the whole time." I really don't want to, but I will. I know that I need to and despite the many years separated from Tissaia, she brings me a sense of comfort. I nod my head.

"Can I hold you?" she asks me before I lay my head down. I lean into her and a feeling over overwhelming warmth and comfort sets in. She smells the same. The same expensive perfume that is never too overbearing, but has a rich smell all the same.

I smile at the familiarity of this all and close my eyes, quickly falling to sleep, comforted for the first time in a long while


	5. Chapter 5

one day before tissaia and yennefer arrived to elverston manor // tissaia's pov

"Have you ever been loved by someone?" Yennefer asks me and the question catches me off guard. We've hardly ever talked about this sort of thing.

"I was loved once," I tell her. She's laying down on the wagon and I'm doing my best to keep her alive long enough to reach Gwendolyn. It pains me to think of her. Although, that's why I'm in pain most of the time because even though we've been separated for some time, she still consumes my mind.

"Not anymore?"

"No," I speak softly.

"Why not?"

"I chose power."

"I chose power," she tells me. "And now no one loves me."

I look at her with a softer look than normal. I want to tell her that I love her. I do, but that word is hard for me. I only ever told one person that I loved them and I broke her. The word is a curse to me. I can't break Yennefer too.

"Was he your great love story?"

"She," I say. "She was my great love story, but I chose power and I have to live with that."

"Is there no forgiveness and redemption between you and this woman."

"Forgiveness and being back into each others lives are two different things. She shields herself from me and rightfully so."

...

current time // tissaia's pov

My eyes flutter open and I see Gwen still in my arms. A small smile is on her face. This feeling of waking up with her is a familiar one, but it's also very new. We are not the two young girls we once were and we both are much more broken than before.

I want to savor this moment, but I'm not sure what it means. I'm not even sure if she'll treat me like she did last night. It's likely she'll go back to ignoring me, which again, I can't blame her for. The best I can hope for is friends. I can't expect for her to want anything more.

I watch her sleep. I'm glad to see her this peaceful. She's always got something going through her mind. It never rests. She never rests. Especially now with her visions. "How long are you going to stare at me before you wake me up?" she nestles closer to me.

I smile. This is good, this is really good. "I wasn't planning on doing that," I tell her. She finally opens her eyes and moves her head so she can look at me. She's so beautiful, always has been. I want to tell her, but I know it's not a good idea.

"Thank you," she says softly. "For being with me last night."

I'm about to tell her that I'll always be here, but from the outcome of that phrase last night, I push it aside and give her a slight nod. It feels awkward now. I can't, I refuse to overstep. She's going to have to make all the first moves, but she won't. I always made the first steps and it was good like that.

But that can't be my job anymore, not with the position I'm in and I have no one to blame for that other than myself. "What are you thinking about?" She still in my arms and that's what I can't get out of my head. She's in my arms and I don't deserve this. "Tissaia?"

"Just about Yennefer," I lie, but it's a good enough one for her to believe.

"She'll be fine," she reassures me. "She's doing just fine, just a little rest is all that's needed." I nod my head still not wanting to speak at the risk I'll let out something I shouldn't.

"I should get ready for the day," I tell her, but really not wanting to leave.

"Yeah, me too." I get up off the bed and make my way towards the door.

"Tissaia," she stops me and I turn around. "I think that I'll be at breakfast this morning." I smile and leave the room. This is good. She's talking to me and she's being kind. This is good. I prepare myself for the day and head to the dining area where Geralt and Yennefer are barely talking.

I know some of the story between the two of them. Not much, but enough for me to understand the circumstances. I sit in front of the two of them and they briefly greet me before continuing their conversation.

Gwendolyn comes in and catches the two of them by surprise. "Are you alright?" Yennefer asks her as she sits down.

"Perfectly fine," she answers with no further elaboration. I know they heard her screaming at me least night and they saw her when she woke from the vision. I figure at some point they'll put the pieces together.

"Where's Ciri?" Geralt asks.

"She's still sleeping. She needs the rest, she's overworking herself." From what I can tell, Gwen and I are the only ones who know what happened with Ciri last night.

After breakfast, I continue my day like normal. I read in the library for a while and eventually find my way to watching Gwendolyn training Ciri. This is something I often find myself doing. This side of her, the motherly side is something I've never seen from her.

She never wanted children. She adored them, but didn't want any. She was too afraid that she wouldn't be good enough. Her being with Ciri proves that she would have been good enough. She is good enough. I meant it last night when I told her she was like Lilith.

Gwendolyn is kinder than Lilith was, but they teach similarly. They both bold themselves gracefully and regally. It creates respect, that's why I respected Lilith, it was the first thing I noticed about her.

"So Gwendolyn is the one who loved you?" Yennefer walks up to me. I nod my head. "What exactly did you do to her?"

"I told you. I chose power, nothing more than that." My day continues as normal. Yennefer has been spending more time with Geralt which has left time for me to read. Not that I'm complaining, enjoy the time alone.

Gwendolyn didn't show for dinner, but she's a busy woman. "Tissaia," Ciri snaps me out of my daze. "How long have you known Gwen?"

"A long time. I met her when I was about your age."

"Right," she says with no further elaboration and goes back to sit with Yennefer. The two of them have gotten quite close today. I wonder what that's about. I flip through the pages of my book, but find myself returning to a memory, when I first met Gwen.

/flashback/  
It was the first day we moved into Elverston Manor. Lilith hosted a party, so that we could get to know each other. Francesca and I had gotten along quite well, but a tall girl standing in the corner caught my attention the entire night.

I finally worked my way over to her. "I'm Tissaia."

"Gwendolyn," she gave me soft smile that matched her soft tone. She had much changed from the timid girl she once was. That's what I always loved about her when she was with me. She was timid with everything in our relationship.

I knew then that I really liked her, but I had no idea how important she would become. "You don't seem to be talking to everyone else. That's kind of the point of the party."

"I'm not a social person," she told me and it was true. It took a long time for her to get close with the others.

"Where are you from?"

"It's not important," she told me. It turned out that she was orphaned at a young age. She grew up with an abusive family until she was thirteen until she finally left and spent the next three years trying to survive until Lilith found her. It was good that she did.

"I'm from Vengerberg," I told her. "Well kind of. I travel a lot with my father, so I don't stay there often. Do you like to travel?"

"No," she told me with no elaboration at all.

"Well, I guess I can see why. It will be a good change for me to stay in one place."

"Good." I had been intrigued with Gwen from this conversation. She was short and didn't elaborate, but she was kind. She wasn't rude or show disinterest. She just listened. That's how our relationship was at the beginning. I talked and she listened.   
/end of flashback/

I bring myself back into reality. Geralt is in his room, I suppose. Ciri and Yennefer are whispering about something and Gwendolyn. Well, I'm not sure where she is. What I'm sure of is that I wish she were here with me.


	6. Chapter 6

gwendolyn's pov

Three days pass after I woke up in Tissaia's arms. Three days of me continuing my schedule like normal, but small awkward conversations and stolen glances between Tissaia and I have started. I haven't slept in three days either.

Three days of Tissaia constantly consuming my mind and me not doing anything about it because well, honestly, I'm not quite sure what to do. Friendship seems achievable. Friendship seems like a good idea.

Three days of me spending too much time alone, but not socializing because I know that I won't be able to focus. Three days of Ciri not getting the training she needs. Three days of me going absolute insane because all I want to do is fall asleep in Tissaia's arms again. But I won't because for one thing, I don't know what I want and I certainly don't know what she wants. And for another thing, I don't want to use her or lead her on to thinking something is there when it isn't.

"Gwen?" Ciri questions me and I'm snapped back into reality. Training. I'm supposed to be training her. "Gwen, you've been pacing for ten minutes. Is everything alright?"

"Yes, I'm sorry Ciri. My brain is just a little occupied at the moment. We'll take a day off and do something fun, yeah?" Her eyes light up and she nods her head. It's gotten cold outside and with a small spell, I can freeze the lake just beyond the gardens.

/flashback/  
"We're supposed to be skating," Tissaia comes to sit beside me in the snow.

"I'd much rather be reading."

She rolls her eyes. "You're always reading." She takes the book from my hands and sets it down.

"Will you please skate with me. Lilith isn't going to let us come out again." She looked at me like she always did with a look that I couldn't resist agreeing to, but I tried to hold out long enough to tease her.

"I'll even read a book of your choosing." I smiled at this. Before me, Tissaia hated reading. She ended up reading more than I do.

"Deal." I took her hand and she led me to the ice where I had almost fallen immediately. She grabbed both of my hands and skated backwards, basically pulling me until I was brave enough to move my feet for myself.

We spent a while skating and Tissaia trying to do tricks which she failed at. I grabbed her hand to pull her up again and when she was on her feet, she started staring at me. It wasn't an odd thing for her to do. We often held stares from across the room, but this time it was different.

It was more intense than normal. Tissaia leaned in closer to my face. "Saia, Gwen," Anabella came over to us breaking the moment. "Lilith called us for dinner."  
/end of flashback/

"Ciri, tell the others to meet me at the lake beyond the gardens." She nods her head and bounces off excited for what this is. I grab skates from the old supply closet and make my way to the lake where I set the skates down and use my magic to make the ice thicker so we don't have any issues.

"Mind telling us what this is about," Geralt says as the others come up quickly behind me.

"We're boring," I explain as I hand him a pair of skates. "So, we're going to have some fun." Ciri and Yennefer excitedly put theirs on and are quick to get on the ice to which they eventually get Geralt on there. I'm lacing mine up as Tissaia walks over to me with hers already on and she smiles which I return.

"Ready?" I ask her and she nods her head as she gets on the ice. I follow her and I'm able to do it with ease.

"Have you been practicing, so you can show me up?"

"No." I smile at her before I feel something hit my shoulder. I turn to see a laughing Ciri and Yennefer following with Geralt showing a smug smile. Quickly, a fight breaks out and ends with Ciri winning. Seems magic isn't the only thing she's good at.

I move to sit in the snow and watch Yennefer and Ciri bother Geralt. Tissaia comes up to me like she did before. "I'm watching," I tell her. "Come and sit with me." She does happily, but doesn't say anything for a while.

"Yennefer and Ciri seem to be getting along very well."

"I know," I smile. "They're always off whispering about one thing or another."

"Yes."

"I'm glad they have each other. They both need a friend." Tissaia silently agrees and we watch the three of them have fun. I enjoy this, always have. I enjoy watching others. And while I'm watching the others, I really just want to watch Tissaia. And I do. I turn to look at her, but find her looking at me.

And we hold a stare, like we always do. I move to look at my hand, scared again. I don't know what I want. Or what she wants. This is all familiar, but all very new. "Have you had any visions?" I shake my head no. "And Ciri? She's been alright?"

"Yes, she's doing very well." She nods her head slightly. I look over to her and Yennefer. They've gone back to secretly whispering.

"Do you know what they're always whispering about?" she asks me.

"Not a clue," I smile. Tissaia and I i are quiet after that. I eat dinner in my study and spend an hour or so catching up on the work I can't seem to do. I stop at Ciri's room on my to my own and she's getting ready to sleep.

"Have you been sleeping well?" She nods her head as she sits on her bed. "I'm sorry for being off these past few days. I'm not normally this distracted."

"It's alright. I've still learned much from you."

"Well, thank you, but you deserve my full attention, and I haven't given you that. I'm sorry."

"Really, it's okay. I do have a question for you though."

"Yes?" 

"I was wondering if we could skip lessons tomorrow. I wanted to spend the day with Yennefer."

"Yes, that's alright, but we're going to have to work hard to catch you up." She nods her head in agreement. "Goodnight Ciri."

"Night Gwen." I leave the room and head towards my own, but I stop at Tissaia's door. I need to say something to her. I'm not sure what I want. I don't- I don't quite understand how I feel right now, but I know I have to talk to her. I'm about the knock the door, when she opens it.

"Gwen," she says in a relieved tone. I smile. That's the first time she's called me Gwen in a long time. "Um, come in." I step in and take in a deep breath. I want to speak, but no words form. Nothing forms. So, I step forward and hug her.

I stay there for a moment, comforted by her warm embrace, but I pull away knowing I need to talk. Long stares and warm embraces can't fix this. "I don't know what I want," I tell her. "I don't know what I want and I don't know what you want and please don't tell me what you want because it will just confuse me more. I just don't know," I let out.

She looks at me with the same calm expression. How is she always so calm? "Are you still angry with me?" She doesn't ask this out of a want for forgiveness, just a genuine curiosity. I think about the question for a while.

"No," I finally tell her. "Well, yes. Sometimes?" She nods her head, expecting a worse answer than that. "I think that I get angry sometimes and other times, I forget. I think that I care more than I'd like to think. I think that I'm still really messed up. I think that friends is a good place to be. Right?"

"Yes, friends." Her voice slightly carries off. "Friends is a good place to be. It's a place I'd like to be."

"Right, so friends." She smiles and nods her head in agreement. "Okay, so, I'll see you in the morning." I leave the room, but I don't really want to. I wait for a good while at her shut door wanting to go back in.

I know what I want. I tell myself I don't know what I want, but I know. I want what I had. But I'm stubborn and too broken to go after I want, so I head off to my room for another sleepless night thinking about how much I 'don't' want Tissaia.


	7. Chapter 7

It's been four hours. Four hours of me pacing trying to get my mind off of Tissaia. Four hours of me walking around the manor and ending right back in front of Tissaia's door. I move to rest my back against the wall beside the door. 

She hurt me. She left me. She left me for power. She was supposed to stay and we were going to have a life together. But she left for the Brotherhood, power. She saw a way to move up in the world and she took it. 

But she loved me. She loved me. She never intended to break me the way she did. "Gwen," Yennefer walks up towards me quietly. "What are you doing by Tissaia's door." 

"Nothing. I was walking and now I'm not. Why are you up?" 

"Couldn't sleep. Walking around like you. Why are you up?" 

"I just am." I start back towards my room and Yennefer follows me. 

"You don't talk to others much." 

"No." 

"You talk to Ciri." 

"Yes, I do, but not about myself." 

"Do you talk to Tissaia?" I'm glad the manor is dimly lit so she can't see my face. 

"Tissaia talks to me." 

"Doesn't seem like it to me." 

"Yennefer," I stop and turn to look at her. "I don't care to speak about myself with anyone. We are not close and I do not wish to talk about myself with you." 

"Then we can talk about me. You don't look like you're going to sleep. You might as well have someone with you." 

"Fine," I continue walking, making my way towards the library. "But wait until we're seated." She nods her head and when we enter, the fireplace is already lit with Tissaia sitting on the couch, reading a book and smoking a pipe. 

Yennefer starts to turn around and I grab her arm, spinning her around and pushing her forward. Tissaia doesn't notice us until Yennefer sits on the chair in front of her and I place myself on the other end of the couch. 

"Does no one here sleep?" Geralt walks in. 

"Guess not," Yennefer smiles as he takes the chair next to her. They start to have a conversation in a low enough voice that I can't hear them. I get up to grab a book and move back to the couch, positioning myself to look at Tissaia without any effort. I open the book, but my mind is preoccupied elsewhere. 

/flashback/  
"You said you would read any book," I told her as she complains about the amount of pages. "Saia, it's my favorite one." She flipped back to the first page and dramatically sighed. 

"I guess, I'll read it. Although, I'm convinced you're just plotting to kill me." 

"Just read it," I sat beside her on her bed. At this point, we had spent about a year at Elverston Manor with Lilith. I had slowly started to open up to the other girls, but Tissaia was certainly my favorite person to spend time with. 

We spent that night reading until the both of us fell asleep and somehow ended up in each others arms. She woke up before me and was looking at me while I slept. It became a bit of a habit for her. When I woke, I separated myself from her. "How do you like it so far?" 

"Well," she began in a dramatic tone. "I guess it's alright." From the way she had said it, I knew she loved it. We held a stare like we always did, but it was interrupted when Lilith walked in the room. 

"There you are," she said speaking to me. "Gwen, have you forgotten what day it is? My office, ten minutes." We each were given a time for one on one with Lilith so we could get extra help on what we struggled with or for me, it was sorting out my visions and trying different ways to get rid of them. 

I walked out of Lilith's study and was immediately pulled by Tissaia where she took me to a tower. "Why are we up here?" 

"Because, you shared your book with me. It's your favorite thing. And this, this is my favorite thing." 

"The tower?" 

She nodded her head. "No one comes up here and it's quite a view. This is my place and it's my favorite thing." She was smiling proudly at sharing this with me. 

"What do you do up here?" 

"Well, this morning I read your book. But normally, I stand here and watch the world." 

"You don't seem like someone that watches the world." 

She turned to stop looking out and look at me instead. We held that stare we always held. "What kind of person do I seem like?" 

"The person that the world watches." She smiled and stepped closer towards me. We held that stare longer and the tension rising quicker. I knew then that she was special. I knew that I loved her, just not quite sure in what way.   
/flashback/

I'm brought back into reality when I realize I've been staring at Tissaia and she's noticed. We hold that same stare that we always hold. Geralt and Yennefer left and I'm not sure when. 

... 

Two more days pass and tomorrow morning, Tissaia and Yennefer will be leaving. I can't say I won't miss them. I've gone back to ignoring Tissaia these past two days and spending every waking moment with Ciri except for the day she spent with Yennefer. That day was awful, my mind racing more than normal. I've made my way to being angry at Tissaia again and I've been trying to snap myself out of it. 

We're all sitting in the library, a spot that we've all come to enjoy. This used to be Tissaia's place. The library was her place. "So you're going to return to Aretuza?" Geralt asks. 

"Just for a day," Tissaia answers and this catches my attention. I had assumed she would be returning tp her home after this and prepare for the war that is yet to come. 

"Why a day?" Yennefer asks not knowing of her plans either. 

"The time has come for me to resign my position with the Chapter." 

"But you love the Chapter," Yennefer says. 

"Yes, I love the chapter, but there are things that I've realized I love more." I look to Tissaia. Is she talking about me? She doesn't even glance my way. She's leaving the Brotherhood. After all this time, she's leaving. I get up to leave. I'm not sure why, but this overwhelms me. She's not leaving for me, is she? 

I walk down the hallway and I hear footsteps come after me. "Gwendolyn," she touches my arm to turn me towards her. I see Geralt, Ciri, and Yennefer by the door watching, trying to figure out what's going on. 

"You're leaving?" 

"Yes." 

"And did you leave for me?" She gives me a look that tells me it's true. This sets a bit of anger in me. "And what the hell does that mean?" 

"It means I'm choosing you." 

"Tissaia, it's too late to choose me. We said friends." 

"I know, but-" 

"There is no but, Tissaia. We tried forever, we did. And it didn't work. I said friends okay, I said friends despite anything else I've been feeling because I know that friends is what's best for me. I don't need you going around giving up the Chapter for me because you're hoping there's still something here. There's not. There can't be." 

"I get it, I hurt you. And I've let you have your way all these years. I deserve it, I do, but I've worked my ass off trying to get any kind of connection with you. I have never asked you for forgiveness, I've never asked for kindness. It's been years! Hundreds of years, Gwen. So, I am asking you now for forgiveness. I gave it up for you." 

"No, you gave it up for you. You gave it up when it suited you. You have the power now, so you don't need the Brotherhood. You gave it up when it's dying anyway. So, don't tell me that you gave it up for me when you didn't." 

I storm off to my study and lock my door. I rest my back against the wall and slide down to sit and I cry. I should have never let her stay here. Her presence confuses me. I'll never stop loving her, I won't, but that doesn't mean that I have to be with her. 

I'm just fine by myself.


	8. Chapter 8

I haven't cried like this in a long time. I haven't cried over this in a long time. I hear a knock on my door and I don't answer. I suspect it's Tissaia, but to my surprise it's not. "Gwen," Yennefer speaks. 

"I get that you don't like to talk about yourself. Trust me, I do. You're not an emotional person and you certainly don't like others to see you like this. And you probably think I'm on Tissaia's side on this, but I can't say that I am. And I'm inspired by you, honestly. You're much better than I am." I stand up and wipe my tears. I unlock the door and let her in. 

"Talk about yourself, not me." She nods her head. And sits in a chair in front of my desk. 

"I love Geralt and he broke my heart. I don't like to get into it, which I won't, which is why I understand you, I think. But, I've realized that he was not the only one at fault in our relationship and when I realized that, it's made things easier." 

"It's not the same Yennefer," I sigh. It's not the same. I needed Tissaia. I really needed her and she left. She knew I needed her and she promised she would never leave. 

/flashback/  
"Lilith, what are you not telling me?" I ask her. The girls are leaving tomorrow except for Tissaia and me. 

She turned to look at me. "It's not my place to tell you." 

"What isn't?" 

"Gwen, the other girls plans are not mine to share." I look at her with a frustrated look. I left the room to go look for Tissaia. I found her in her tower, looking down at the gardens. She looks upset. 

"Saia?" I walk beside her and she doesn't look at me. "What's wrong?" She shook her head no. She wasn't telling me and for her not to tell me meant it was serious, so I didn't push and continued to come and talk about what I originally planned to talk about. 

"Something is going on with one of the girls about their plans, and how they've changed. And Lilith won't tell me." Tissaia finally turned to look at me and she was on the verge of tears. "Saia, what's wrong?" She started crying and I pulled her into a hug. 

"Whatever it is, I'm here for you when you're ready to talk, okay. We can get through this, okay." She pulled away from me and her tears kept coming slowly. She shook her head again. I look at her with a puzzled expression. 

"I'm afraid that we won't be able to get through this one," she said softly. I took her hand and she took it away. 

"Saia, what is going on?" 

She wiped her tears away and began speaking. "I got offered a position with the Brotherhood of Sorcerers." 

"What's wrong with that? You're staying here." 

"No," she said softly. I felt tears prick my eyes and took a step back. This was what Lilith wouldn't tell me. I want to leave, but I'm frozen, I don't believe. "I'll be leaving tomorrow to Aretuza. I'm sorry." 

My tears fall and I finally get myself to run off. "Gwen," Tissaia ran off after me. "Gwen, please don't go. Please, let me explain." 

I turned around. I was hurt. I was angry. I had felt betrayed. "Explain what?" I screamed. "Explain that you're leaving me just when I need you most. Explain that you were supposed to stay here with me and build a life. Explain that you chose to not only leave me, but leave me for the one place that I hate. You know how I feel about them." 

"I know and I'm sorry, but this is a chance of a lifetime." 

"You promised me, Tissaia. You promised you wouldn't leave me and everyone knew but me!" 

"Gwen, I'm sorry," she walked forward and I stepped back. 

"Don't! Don't talk to me, don't touch me. I don't want to see you again." I ran off down to my room and Lilith was waiting there for me. I ran into her arms and sobbed. 

"I'm sorry, Gwen." 

"It's not your fault." 

"If it's any consolation, I'm not going anywhere, you hear me. I'm here." I nodded my head and my tears didn't slow for a long time. I didn't see the girls off the next morning. I sat in her stupid tower for a week. I barely spoke. 

The other girls wrote me letters, but nothing from Tissaia. I had sat up there a week. Lilith walked up to the tower and sat beside me. She didn't say anything, but she was offering her help in anyway that she could. "Power. She chose the power the Brotherhood gave her. She decided that was more important than everything I gave her. I was with her close to fourteen years. Fourteen years and she left so she could be powerful." 

"Power is manipulative. That's why I don't like the Brotherhood, why you don't. Power is manipulative and those who chase it will certainly suffer because of it." 

"And those closest to them. They'll suffer too and sooner." 

"Yes." She turned to look at me and I did the same. "Gwen, sitting in this tower is not going to bring her back. And your not doing yourself any favors by sleeping on this cold stone. It's the middle of the night. Come in and sleep please. Please, for me." 

I got up. For Lilith, that's why I did most everything I did. That's not true. I tell myself that, but it's not true. I walked down to my room and Lilith with me. Tissaia's things were gone. Her pipe was gone, her books gone, her clothes gone. She was gone. I took in a sharp breathe and Lilith placed a hand on my shoulder in efforts to comfort me. 

"Gwen, please get some rest. I'll even stay in the room with you." I had felt silly wanting her to. I was grown. I was grown and I wasn't supposed to need someone to sleep in the same room as me, but I did. 

I nodded my head overtaken by exhaustion and I slept. I woke up angry still. I woke up angry and sad. Lilith wasn't in the room when I had woken, but she entered shortly after I dressed myself. At least I could do that much. 

"This came for you," she handed me a letter with Tissaia's handwriting. I took it and opened it, but then I closed it. "I can't," I start to cry. "I can't read this." Lilith pulled me into a hug. 

"I know. I can read it for you if you'd like." I handed the letter and she took a seat beside me on the bed. 

"Dearest Gwen, I know that you're angry. I know that I hurt you. I can't tell you anything that can fix this. What I can tell you is that I still love you, but I took the opportunity. I chose the Brotherhood and I'm sorry because I know that hurts you. I'm sorry I chose the Brotherhood over-" 

"Please stop. I can't hear any more."   
/flashback/  
... 

"Good Ciri," I watch her as she trains. I know she saw what happened between Tissaia and I this morning. She's working hard today, not that she doesn't work hard normally, but I think she's trying to make today easier for me. "You've improved much." 

"Thank you." We walk from the courtyards seeing as our lesson is over for today and she stops to sit at a bench. I sit beside her. 

"Tissaia broke your heart." She doesn't ask, she just says it simply. "And you can't forgive her after all this time." Again, she doesn't ask. She's just simply stating it. "Do you still love her?" 

"Very much," I speak truthfully saying it for the first time in a very long time. "Excuse me, Ciri." I walk not to my room, but to a portrait on a different wall of the castle. It's one of the ten of us and Lilith. I look to find myself. I'm wrapped in Tissaia's arms and we're looking at each other like we have everything we need. This portrait was painted when we were in our late twenties. 

We were so in love. "I refuse to leave again without a goodbye," Tissaia walks up behind me. "Can we please talk without either of us leaving the room, please. Last time, I left and we didn't talk. Please." 

I look at her. I love her and she's right. It's been so long. I should be over it by now. The least I owe her is a chance to talk. I can feel my anger slowly slipping away and I'm glad for it. I nod my head and we walk to my study in silence.


	9. Chapter 9

"You're right," she tells me. "I left when I promised I never would. I left when you needed me more than ever. And although I told myself that I was leaving the Chapter for you, I did leave for me. I am selfish and I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I'm asking for it because these days with you have been wonderful. And I'm not asking for things to go back to the way they were. I'm just asking that you don't hate me."

"I don't hate you. I hate your actions and your decisions, but I don't hate you." She lets out a sigh of relief. "I want to let it go, I do, but I can't. I try, but I can't. I want to forgive you, but I'm just not ready to and if you want to have any kind of relationship with me, you have to understand that."

"I do." I look at her. I'll be angry again. I know that I will, that's how it always happens. I don't like being so hot and cold. I wish I could just choose how I feel.

...

Ciri and Geralt are saying there goodbyes. I am standing at the door hiding. I see Tissaia's gaze make her way over to me. I can make my way over to her. It's the right thing to do. We're friends now, no more anger or resentment. That's what that means.

"You've got everything you need?" I ask her.

"Yes," she tells me. I look down at my feet to avoid holding a stare with her. "Well, then. It's time for me to go." I nod my head and watch her gracefully make her way to her horse. She looks back at me before mounting and sends me a small smile which I don't return because I'm too focused on the small knot in the bottom of my stomach. It's something I buried long ago and intend for it to stay buried.

She's gone faster than she came. "Gwen, are you coming inside?" Ciri pulls me from my daze.

"Um, yes in a minute." I hardly look at her, my eyes stuck on the road in front of me. She nods her head and walks inside. The knot in my stomach has turned into my entire body burning of something, I'm not sure what. I'm not sure what I feel.

a/n: sorry for the short chapter


	10. Chapter 10

It's been four days since Tissaia left. She's probably left the Brotherhood by now which means I have no idea where she is. It's been four days of me training Ciri and trying to keep my mind off of Tissaia. It's been four great days filled with Geralt and Ciri. It's been four sleepless nights. It's been four nights of crying for reasons of I'm still not quite sure yet. It's been four days of confusing myself further. It's been four days of hell. 

"Ciri, it's time to wake. We have training," I walk into her room. She's doesn't normally sleep in this late. I suspect she's just worn out. "Ciri?" I question when she doesn't respond to the light I let in. 

I move to the bed and gently shake her, but still nothing. Too long. She's taking too long to wake. This only means one thing. She's having a vision. I can tell by the way her eyes are racing behind her eyelids. Tissaia told me that's how she used to tell when I wouldn't wake from sleep. "Ciri," I try again even though I know she won't wake up. 

"Ciri, please wake up," I speak. I can feel tears come back to my eyes. I've been too emotional lately and I need to gather myself. I take a deep breathe and hold my tears back and I wait for her to wake. It won't be much longer and she'll need someone when that time comes. 

I have grown to really care for Ciri. I'll be sad when she has to leave and Geralt tries, but I'm not sure he'll be emotionally capable enough to handle situations like this. But, I know that I can't protect her, not the way he can. And he's her father too. Yes, there's that which leaves a twinge of jealousy inside of me. 

I'm growing impatient. And I'm getting emotional. I don't want her to be alone during this. She can't be alone. She has to feel safe. 

/flashback/  
It had been three weeks after Tissaia left and I can't say that I wasn't a mess. But, I was getting better. I was learning to cope in some way. At that point, I more missed her than I was angry at her. Lilith had been good at keeping up with me. She really was a generous person. 

It was night and all nights were bad. I barely slept. I was restless and I was tired. I had cried enough tears and had enough unwritten letters to respond to hers. I remember waking from the vision and it was worse than normal. I needed Tissaia. I couldn't breathe. I was crying and shaking. 

Lilith found me quickly because I was not the softest crier especially then. She tried to help, but it had been years since she helped me with this. She didn't know what to do to help. And it wasn't that she wasn't doing what Tissaia always did. It was that she wasn't Tissaia. 

I needed her then more than I ever had. I remember that it took hours for me to stop crying and finally get even breaths. It took even longer for me to get back to a normal state. Lilith was there and I was grateful for that, but she couldn't help me how I needed to be helped. 

I had nine more visions like that over the course of a few months, but then they stopped. They picked back up six years before the Second Human Elven War. By that point, Lilith had become a greater comfort to me than Tissaia was. And she was good for me. Lilith got me through my heart being broken and she kept me from losing myself.   
/flashback/

I think that I'd like to be that important to Ciri. As important Lilith is to me. "Help!" she finally wakes screaming. "Help," she says again before her tears start pouring. 

"Ciri," I try to say but she doesn't acknowledge my presence. Her breathe escalates quickly and her tears pour harder. "Ciri, I'm here. It's Gwen, I'm here okay. I'm going to help you." She doesn't respond, but it's as expected. This is how I acted for a long time before I learned to somewhat cope with them. 

"Ciri, I need you to breathe me with me. Like you did with Tissaia that one night." She doesn't respond or even act like she hears me. "Ciri, can I touch you?" She shakes her head no. Finally, something. This is good. 

"Ciri, I need you to breathe with me," I tell her again and she tries to speak. 

"I-" she tries. "I-" 

"Ciri, don't say anything. That will just make this harder. Okay, take in a breathe with me okay." She nods her head and takes in a shaky breathe. I count them out like Tissaia did with me until her breathe starts to even and she's able to return to somewhat of a normal state. I let her breathe on her own for a moment before speaking again. 

My heart physically hurts at the sight of this. Ciri doesn't deserve this. This is something that hurts like hell, hurts worse than that. It plays with your head and distorts your views and until you learn to how deal with them, it's a pain unimaginable. 

"You can touch me now," she tells me, her voice still a little shaken and her tears starting to slow. Before I reach over to her, she leans into me and I hold her. Her crying picks up, but I know that it's a cry of relief, so I let her paying attention to her breathing making sure that it doesn't escalate. 

"I get them too," I tell her. "I've had them since I was about your age. They've come and gone throughout the years. But I've learned to live with them and you will too." I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew what I could say that would make her feel better. I'm at a loss of what to do. I know that I'm old, but I still feel like the child that I was when I grew up here. 

Her tears stop, but she still is holding onto me. I take in a deep breathe and it's shakier than I intend. I cannot cry right now, not infront of her. 'Gwen, do not cry now. Put your tears back in.' 

"What's going on in here?" Geralt walks in with a concerned tone. Ciri finally pulls away and looks at him with tear stained eyes which only makes his concern worse. 

"A bad dream," she tells him simply. 

"Right," he says and turns to look at me questioning if it is more than that. 

"Ciri, that wasn't a bad dream. What you had was a vision of the future. Anything you see from these distort your view and don't show you the whole picture. They're never what they seem and you have to be careful of that." 

She nods her head slightly. "And I'll teach you everything I know about them which isn't much, but it could help." I feel her take my hand. She looks scared and she should be. I hate it for her. I hate that she has to go through this and there's absolutely nothing I can do to help her. 

"We'll get through this," I squeeze her hand gently before the ceiling collapses and the room is starting to catch on fire.


End file.
